A biblical husband must seek to cultivate the loveliness of his wife in all things, whether they seem great or small. One area which seems small to modern men is the practice of courtesy to women. In Romans, the apostle Paul instructed all Christians on the obligation we have to be courteous to one another. "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another..." (Rom. 12:9).

Peter requires that husbands behave with a thoughtful and courteous consideration of their wives. "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (I Pet. 3:7).

Modern American husbands have fallen into a trap of leveling and reductionism. This reductionism shows itself in an egalitarian tendency in the area of manners or courtesy. Everyone must be the same, and everything must be identical. We do not think we are required to defer (with some visible indication of deference) in any way to anyone else. Consequently, there are many people today who have never shown an act of honor and deference to anyone.

If a Christian man is asked about it, he may say he does honor and respect his wife in his heart. But the Bible doesn't require us to honor and respect people in our hearts. It requires us to honor and respect them. The heart is obviously where it all must begin, but if it never shows up in external behavior, it is not a biblical honor and respect. Biblical honor MUST show up in verbal AND visible demonstrations that proceed from the heart, but are not locked up in the heart.

Because we are creatures, and because God has divided us into various nations and cultures, the marks of respect and honor we show will vary from culture to culture. Obviously, there is not a biblical problem with these cultural differences. But the requirement to honor is not so easily dispensed with. For example, in the British military they salute differently than in our military. The Bible does not tell us which form of saluting must be used, but it does require such a thing as a salute. Scripture requires us to demonstrate our deference. There is no such thing as INVISIBLE honor or respect.

We are all sinners and under the wrath of God by nature. But if God has changed us, that new creation is going to be visibly manifest in the world, just as the old man was visibly manifest. A husband may not say, "All my behavior notwithstanding, I still honor my wife, even though I never show it." Husbands must honor their wives.

Then we get into the area of etiquette or love in trifles, love in the little things. The reductionists will say, "It doesn't make any difference if a husband always opens the car door for his wife." Certainly, in the cosmic scheme of things, God does not command husbands to open their wives' car doors. But He does command husbands to honor their wives. And how does the husband obey this command and display to her and to the world that he honors and respects her, if not by what he SAYS and DOES?

This means men must honor their wives in tangible ways. "What! Do you mean I have to walk all the way around the car?" Yes-and car doors are just a small part of it. He must honor her in front of their children, and insist they imitate him in that honor. By his words and actions, he should constantly praise and honor her in public (Prov. 31:28).

We cannot begin this revolution in manners by demanding that the people who owe us respect start showing it. It will begin when we start to show respect and honor where we need to show it. When this kind of honor is cultivated, the results are beautiful. They are part of a husband's cultivation of his wife's loveliness and beauty, for which he is responsible. Much has been lost; we are going to have trouble getting back to such cultural standards without some awkwardness. Nevertheless, we must remember that the heart of true courtesy is in how we treat other people. And the best place a man can begin to recover such consistent charity is in how he treats his wife.